Is The Grass Greener On The Other Side? Is It Really?

It's perfectly normal for people involved in long term relationships to, at one time or another, feel unsatisfied. Some might long for the excitement of meeting someone for the first time - the thrill of the chase, if you will. Others may miss the passion that comes with a new relationship, or the intimacy of sharing thoughts and dreams for the very first time. Whatever it is, it's important for us to remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Of course there are many reasons to end a relationship; physical and emotional abuse, partner is unwilling to grow, lack of goals etc., the chemistry isn't there and cheating/lying......no one deserves any of these things so you need to move on. But if none of the above mentioned is a reason for leaving....consider a few things.

We're greedy, indecisive and insecure. And no one likes the feeling that they're missing out on something fun or great. Or, by the same token, that they could have done better than what they have. Familiar with "buyer's remorse?" Whether it's a pair of shoes or a car, we second guess almost every decision we make, if even for a split second.

It's all a hoax. You should know by now that according to your friends, the night you miss will always go down as the coolest night ever. If that were the case, they could just hang up their hats, and never go out again, right? The same goes for being single or in a couple.

It's all PR. As a couple, it's your job to tell everyone how great your life is as a couple. As a single person, it's your job to uphold your way of life, as well. It's like telling a friend about a great new store to shop or a restaurant, or great movie to see. You don't expect them to run out and shop, eat at the restaurant or go see the movie now. But, if they have the time or the opportunity, you think they'd enjoy it.

Let's face it.....who's going to tell you, "I had ramen noodles for dinner again"; or "if she gets on me about leaving dishes on the counter without washing them, I might hurt her"; or "I can't watch my favorite TV show anymore because his/her show is on at the same time"; or "I spent the entire weekend organizing my DVD's".

Not to say that either life is bad, and that we're all dishonest about how great it is to have someone special or how cool and wonderful it is to be single. They both have their upsides and downsides. I mean, being in a couple sucks if you're with someone you settled for just so you could say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. And being single can't be fun if you had to dump the love of your life to get there.

In both cases, it's very easy to get freaked out or desperate. And it's a deadly cycle. Not feeling me? Go tell some guy who's about to get married that his future wife is the only woman he'll ever sleep with again. Or go tell some 35-year-old single woman the story you saw on the news about the old lady who died alone with many cats. Next thing you know, he's having second thoughts, or she's dating the loser who tried to pick her up last weekend. After a little while, she's wants to be single again, and he's praying that his ex will give him a second chance. These are extreme cases, but you know what I'm trying to say.

In the physical nature.....if you're tall, you'll wonder what it's like to be short and vice-versa. If you're fat, you'll wonder what it's like to be skinny. It goes on every day, in everyday life. And it's OK to wonder. It's human nature.

It may sound ridiculous, but I stand behind in the idea that everyone gets what they deserve, in due time. Being in a relationship won't solve the problems of a single person any more than being single solves the problems of a person in a relationship.

Some people are born to be single. Or sometimes it simply takes a little longer then others. So turn off the biological clock. There's no rule that says you have to be married by 30. That includes the plan you came up with in your head when you were 13. Heck, when I was 13, I planned to be an astronomer.

And, some are born to be in a relationship. You know, like the kid on the block who had a boyfriend at age 10. Don't be freaked out if you're in a good, fulfilling, long-term relationship, no matter what some of your friends say. Whether you're 22 or 45, someone will try to get it in your head that you're not ready. That you need to see whats out there. Maybe there are a lot of models or athletes out there waiting to meet you, by why mess up something wonderful for the chance to find out? If that's your plan, you can spend the rest of your life looking for something better. And then you'll never be happy.

But what really drives that behavior? One of the ingredients that fuels this fire is our own inability or unwillingness to be realistic and objective. To use an example; we may feel neglected by our partner, so we begin engaging in some "harmless" flirting with say a coworker. We start comparing them with our partner - all of the coworker's positive attributes compared to all the faults of our partner. Soon, we're considering how wonderful a new romance can be, and fantasize about how great life would be if we were single again - experiencing new lovers, forming new relationships, spending time doing things just for ourselves, etc. The more we think about these things, the better they begin to sound, and soon, what was once just a fantasy, is now becoming a plan of action.

What we fail to realize is that fantasy, invariably, has little in common with reality. Sure, a new romance can be exciting and passionate, and not having the responsibilities that go along with a relationship or marriage can sound pretty good at times, but the reality is, everything has its downside. If we'd give equal time to considering the bad, along with the good, we would wake up to the fact that our current relationships are, in reality, pretty darn good.

It's easy to get carried away with an idea when we only consider the positive. It's like going to a Mercedes Benz dealership and picking out the nicest car in the showroom and driving it home, only to realize our mistake when the first payment comes due.

It's natural to have random thoughts and fantasies, but we must always put these into proper perspective. If we do, we can use these to refocus our attention and efforts back to our own relationships - making them stronger and more fulfilling, rather than allowing these thoughts to slowly erode our relationships until they eventually crumble and fail.

As for that greener grass, you'd better take another look at the color of the grass on your side of the fence - it might be looking a whole lot better now.
Even if you play with the idea of switching teams, remember that as soon as you do, what usually happens? The other will start winning again. So now what?


Mr. Producer